


Looking for You

by Smittenwithdaydreams



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M, Fanfiction, One Shot, One Shot Collection, Romance, carlisle oc, never posted, old fic, y/n
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 18:15:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12371292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smittenwithdaydreams/pseuds/Smittenwithdaydreams
Summary: A requested fic that I never got round to posting! Carlisle Cullen's mate moves to town - it just so happens that she's Bella's Cousin. (Y/N) was in a car accident last year which left her blind and though she tries to remain positive, she's never been able to see herself the same way.





	Looking for You

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this ages ago - intending for it to be a full-length fic - and found it when cleaning up my folders. I hope you enjoy it!

‘Stop worrying Y/N, you look lovely,’ Dad said, sighing afterward. That's easy for him to say, he can actually see himself if he looks a mess.

‘You would say that; you're my Dad,’ I huffed. He might think I look lovely and I might think I look horrendous but that doesn't matter because I can't actually do anything about it. I wobbled again, gripping Dad's arm tightly with both hands and he paused to let me get my bearings. I hate having to go out when I'm feeling self-conscious because I don't focus on my stepping as much  
as I should.

‘Honey, I wouldn't lie to you. You look perfect, stop fretting,’ Dad told me gently. I knew it was stupid feeling so bothered but this was the first time I'd meet Uncle Charlie and my cousin Bella; I wanted to at least look nice even if I couldn't see if they looked nice. I vaguely remember seeing pictures of Uncle Charlie once but that was a long time ago, I can't even imagine what he looks like now. ‘Are you ready?’ Dad asked. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

‘Ready,’ I told him. We started walking again and instead of procrastinating more, I paid attention to where we were going and managed to get to the Emergency room without another fault. Bella had apparently gotten herself into a bit of bother while hiking, not that I'm sure why anyone would go hiking but anyway; she'd hurt her ankle or something and Uncle Charlie was here. Seeing as Dad and I don't have any keys, we decided to come here and check up on her instead.

‘Y/Dad's/N!’ I heard a voice call far off, that must be Uncle Charlie. We continued walking and then stopped abruptly. I was never sure where we actually were, it felt weird like I was standing still in the middle of a room even if I wasn't. I could see the vague outline of a grey blob in front of us; that must be him. ‘Wow, look at you Y/N. You're so beautiful, just like your mom,’ Uncle Charlie said. I knew I was blushing and from years of my cheeks staining, I knew I no doubt now looked like a tomato. Dad chuckled.

‘See, I'm not the only one who thinks so,’ Dad told me. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. 

‘How's Bella?’ I asked. 

‘Strong accent, wow.’ Uncle Charlie chuckled, it did seem rather strange to hear in this country even when I was the one talking. Dad still had his American accent, in fact, he sounded very much like Uncle Charlie. Another factor about me that made me stand out rather obviously. ‘Bella is fine, she's used to tumbles by now.’ He told me. ‘Would you like to go in?’ He asked. I waited for Dad to decide.

‘Sure,’ Dad replied. I let him lead me and we stopped again, I could hear a few people talking quietly and as I reached out a little bit; I felt a bed beneath my fingers.

‘Bells, you remember Uncle Y/Dad's/N,’ Uncle Charlie said.

‘Um, yeah.’ A girl replied, sounding rather hesitant. I smiled to myself, I doubt she did really. I kept my head down though it made no difference, my sight never changed. It was always a fuzzy white and some things were grey; mostly people when they're in front of me though sometimes I don't even register them at all. It's a good thing my hearing is enhanced after being visually impaired for a year.

‘Bells. You look so much like Renee though I have to say, you definitely take after Charlie.’ I'm not certain but I think that means she has brown hair.

‘This is your Cousin, Y/N,’ Uncle Charlie told her. I looked up though I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't even know what I was facing or whether or not she was looking at me.

‘Hey, I'm Bella.’ She told me. I didn't realise she'd reached out until I felt her hand in mine, she had small hands like me and she was cold. 

‘Hey. Most people call me Budgie.’ I told her. ‘I don't like Y/N much,’ I added.

‘Why Budgie?’ Bella asked, her hand still in mine. It was rather nice to hold her hand despite it probably looking weird to anyone else. Most people just awkwardly avoided me, I could always tell when they were uncomfortable by their silence or vague words. It was comforting to hold her hand though I'd never actually tell anyone that. 

‘I've always been short and was overweight as a child; my friends figured I was more of a budgie than a Swan,’ I told her, smiling slightly.

‘Overweight, my ass,’ Dad muttered. The name used to bother me a lot, it used to make me cry actually. It seems so stupid now, I find it much more fitting to me than Y/N though I know it'd just make me self-conscious again if I gained weight.

‘Well I'm not a fan of Isabella, so please don't call me it,’ she replied. Bella it is. 

‘Isabella is such a pretty name,’ Dad told her, she snorted though I guessed quietly. She didn't reply to him and from the right of me, I heard a door open.

‘Bella.’ A male voice said. Bella didn't respond straight away, it felt like a few long seconds before she said something.

‘Edward, this is my Uncle Y/Dad's/N and my cousin Budgie,’ she told him, I heard my dad chuckle at my nickname.

‘It's a pleasure to meet you.’ The male said. Edward. I wonder what he looks like, his voice is rather nice to listen to in a low tone whisper kind of way. I imagine him to look handsome and rather broody, maybe he's a brunette like Bella. The door opened again.

‘I have your X-Ray results, Bella.’ Another male said; I assumed a doctor. I let go of Bella's hand and gripped Dad's tightly as he led me away a little bit to no doubt give the doctor more room.  
‘Your ankle isn't broken but severely sprained. I recommend keeping weight off it for a few days and taking some painkillers.’ He told her, his voice was a lot more gentle than Edward's. More soothing and smooth, there was a slight strain to it though. I wonder what's wrong. Perhaps he's tired, doctors often work long shifts I guess. From his casual tone, I assumed he knew Bella which would also tie in with Uncle Charlie saying Bella is used to tumbling by now. I guess she must be in here a lot. 

‘Okay,’ Bella replied.

‘Thanks a lot, Carlisle.’ 

‘It's not a problem,’ Carlisle replied. First name basis with my Uncle, I'm beginning to think he's a family friend. Or maybe just Uncle Charlie's chum, it's not odd for the police department and the medical staff to see each other regularly. Though I'm not sure about Forks, from what I've heard; it's pretty small. Dad said there was hardly any crime or accidents unless you're Bella of course.

‘Carlisle, you remember I told you that Bella's family were moving to town,’ Edward spoke up. Again, I wasn't sure where to look so I kept my eyes down, hoping I was looking at the ground or someone's legs and not anything odd like someone's crotch.

‘Ah, yes,’ Carlisle said, his tone sounded happy enough; friendly but there was still that strain. I doubt he wants to waste time being around us, I hope he's not too busy. Taking up a doctor's time is never a good idea, I remember how people used to stand and natter to my doctor back home. I always wondered if more of my sight could have been saved if he was actually around to attend to me, there's no point in staying bitter though. It wasn't anyone's fault, not really. I'm lucky to be alive and that's all that matters, that's what Dad always says. Sometimes I'm not so sure. ‘It's very nice to meet you.’

‘Likewise.’ Dad replied for us. I knew he'd moved to shake the doctor's hand. 

‘We should be getting home,’ Uncle Charlie said. I detected some discomfort in his voice, I wonder why. 

‘Of course. I'll go and get those painkillers, Bella.’ Carlisle told her and then the door opened again; no doubt him leaving. 

‘I should head home, Bella,’ Edward told her. ‘I'll pick you up for school tomorrow.’ He told her, she's going to school?

‘We'll see.’ Uncle Charlie spoke up. There was no more talking after that, Edward left. 

‘Dad, do you have to be so rude?’ Bella asked, complaining. Though I couldn't see the situation, it still made me feel awkward. Uncle Charlie didn't reply, instead, he and Dad spoke quietly about  
football and I felt my way back to the bed. ‘Here, let me,’ Bella said gently, she took my hand and led me forward. ‘There's a chair right beneath you.’ She told me, I took my hands back and felt the chair before sitting down slowly.

‘Thanks,’ I said.

‘No problem,’ she replied. ‘So um... I don't wanna sound rude, I totally get it if you don't want to tell me but-‘

‘It's okay, Bella.’ I smiled. ‘I was walking home from school and I was hit by a car.’ I told her, ‘The driver lost control because he was having a heart attack, the blow to my head caused a hemorrhage on the optical nerve and I lost my sight. It's not completely gone, I can still see grey blobs for people or objects right in front of me - though compared to what most people see; it's probably not classed as a great deal.’ I scoffed, ‘It helps though.’

‘I can't believe it.’ Bella murmured. ‘I'm so sorry.’

‘Couldn't have been prevented, it was nobody's fault.’ I smiled to myself. ‘Wrong place, wrong time.’ I scoffed. She took my hands again though I imagined her having to bend down to do so. 

‘Bella.’ Carlisle's back. 

‘Thanks,’ she said, letting go of my hands to take whatever medication he was giving her. 

‘Call if you need anything or let Edward know.’ He told her. 

‘Course.’ Bella didn't seem to be one with words. I didn't mind that, though it was often harder to get to know a person when you can't actually see them. I hope she takes pity on me and tells me things like Dad does so I'm not completely at a loss with her and new people. 

‘Ready to go, Budgie?’ Dad asked, his familiar hands engulfed mine and I stood up; I allowed him to lead me wherever he wanted to go. I heard the quiet words of Carlisle saying “it was lovely to meet us” as we left. Dad called back a “you too” and then didn't speak again until we were outside. ‘Are you warm enough?’ He asked. 

‘Yeah,’ I replied. It was rather cold - though I imagined it was just as cold in Ireland right now. I was apparently wearing a black denim jacket over my white lace top, I could sort of imagine what it looked like but it wasn't the same as seeing it. I guess I just have to trust Dad's fashion sense when it comes to clothes.

‘We're at the car,’ Dad told me, I listened as he opened the door. He helped me into the passenger seat and buckled me in. ‘Comfortable?’

‘Yeah.’ 

He closed the door and I listened as he got into the driver's seat and pulled his door shut. He turned the engine on and turned the heating up, he always did this. It was amusing sometimes, he never seemed to realise that it was just my eyesight that was screwed and not my body temperature. I didn't mind though, it's nice to be taken care of; God knows I need him more than anyone else.

‘That Doctor was quite the looker,’ Dad told me, I scoffed.

‘I didn't know you were gay,’ I replied.

‘I'm rolling my eyes,’ he told me which made me smirk. ‘He kept giving you the eye, pretty sure Uncle Charlie was ready to deck him.’ Giving me the eye? That's weird. 

‘Is that your way of making me feel better?’ I asked, amused. ‘Getting one guy's attention doesn't make me feel pretty, Dad,’ I told him. I knew he was frowning.

‘You're beautiful, Y/N. I really wish-‘

‘I'd see that?’ I asked, amused though it made me feel a little bad. ‘It's too late for that.’ Dad didn't reply to the comment the rest of the way home, he helped me out of the car and up the steps to Uncle Charlie's house. Once inside, Bella took over and helped me up the stairs to her room.

‘Your dad looked pretty sad,’ Bella told me. This made me feel guilty. I really shouldn't say things like that, Dad can't do anything to help me. I know that but still, sometimes it frustrated me that he didn't understand how I felt. I know being blind doesn't change anything about my appearance but it makes me feel ugly. I'm not normal like every other girl, I can't have a normal life or date normal guys. I'm useless and I can't change that.

‘That's my fault,’ I told her.

‘How?’ 

‘I said something in the car,’ I replied, though she probably figured. ‘Dad made a comment about the doctor and I know he only said it to make me feel better about myself.’ I told her, ‘It's frustrating for him, he doesn't get why I'm always self-conscious and that frustrates me.’

‘You really shouldn't be, Y/N. You really are beautiful,’ she told me.

‘It's not so much my appearance that bothers me,’ I muttered.

‘I can't imagine what it's like for you,’ she said, ‘How hard it must be for you.’ I looked down, feeling my chest tighten. Hard, it is hard. I'll never know what I look like ever again, as I age. I won't be able to see anyone ever again and it's hard to cope with. I swallowed. 

‘It doesn't matter,’ I told her, my tone tight. ‘So... tell me. What do you look like?’ I asked. ‘Humour me, if you will?’

‘Um, I have long brown hair. It stops just below my shoulders,’ she told me, ‘Pale, brown eyes. I don't wear make-up...um, I'm taller than you by a few inches,’ she continued. Even though I still couldn't picture her, it still felt nice to know. 

‘What about your boyfriend?’ I asked. 

‘Edward...he's...hot.’ She spluttered making us both laugh. ‘He's got brown hair too, topaz eyes, very pale.’ She told me. ‘He's about 6 foot and wears really nice clothes.’ She scoffed. 

‘How long have you been together?’ I asked. 

‘A few weeks,’ she replied. Wow, so they're pretty new to each other. She sounds like a lovesick puppy though; that's sweet. ‘So, um... what did your Dad say about Carlisle?’ Bella asked, I smirked and shook my head a little.

‘Something about giving me the eye. I'm not even sure I know what that means, my Dad is pretty old.’ I told her, she chuckled at that.

‘And you think he was saying it to make you feel better about yourself.’ She stated. That's what I said. ‘Well, despite your obvious need for a confidence boost; he really was,’ she told me. ‘Carlisle, from what I know about him, is a pretty collected guy.’ What does that mean? Wait, she can't be serious. Why would any guy like me? I'm a short Irish ginger who's blind and really plain looking. ‘He's very caring though, I'd say around 24 maybe 25,’ she continued, he's not that much older than me I guess though I'm pretty sure I still look about 10. ‘He's Edward's adoptive father,’ Bella told me, what? He's 25 and adopted a teenager? That's so odd. He sounds really kind though, I can't imagine adopting a teenager in my 20s, not that I want children. ‘He's very... rich, I guess. He adopted 4 others as well as Edward. He's a really nice guy.’ 

‘This is all nice to hear Bella,’ I smirked, ‘I'm sure he's wonderful.’ 

‘And he likes you.’ I actually rolled my eyes at that. ‘I know you don't believe me but he does, he really does.’ 

‘He doesn't know me.’ 

‘Well then... he likes what he sees,’ she replied.

‘Uh-hu,’ I muttered, unconvinced. ‘It doesn't matter, Bella.’ I told her, ‘It's not like I can actually date him, or any other guy for that matter.’

‘Why not?’ She asked, she sounded rather frustrated. I pursed my lips. 

‘I can't see.’ 

‘That doesn't mean you can't be with anyone. Love is-‘ 

‘More than appearances, I know. I'm not saying I can't love someone I can't see, I'm saying I'm not worth loving because I can't see.’ 

‘That's ridiculous, Y/N.’

‘You don't understand, okay.’ I frowned. ‘I can't... live like everyone else. I'm a burden, I can't even walk on my own. How is that fair to anyone?’ 

‘If they love you then they won't mind.’ 

‘I don't want them to not mind, Bella. I want them to not have to mind. I can't be with anyone, okay. Let it go.’ I snapped. Feeling my tears in my eyes, I closed them and held my chin to my chest.  
Bella was silent, except for her loud breathing which seemed to fill the entire room. 

‘I'm sorry, Y/N.’ Bella eventually said.

‘It's fine,’ I muttered quietly. ‘I um, I'm feeling tired,’ I told her. ‘Is there anywhere I can sleep?’

‘My Dad's made up his room down the hall, he said you wouldn't mind sharing with Uncle Y/Dad's/N until you move.’ She told me, I nodded. I didn't mind sharing with Dad, I'd often fallen asleep in his bed or him on mine while he read to me. Bella helped me up off her bed and took me down the hall, she handed me my pyjamas and left me to it. She did ask if I needed any help but I reassured her I'd be fine, I always managed to get them on eventually.

After struggling with my pyjamas, I finally climbed into bed and got comfortable. That wasn't how I imagined one of my first conversations with Bella would go, I can't believe I snapped at her. It's not her fault, she and Dad probably think how I feel is bizarre but they're not the ones feeling it. I hugged my pillow and closed my eyes, it made no difference whether I had them open or shut; I could still see the white. It's like my eyes never turn off. Luckily I'd gotten used to it and found it easy to fall asleep.

*_*_*

I was enjoying my slice of toast in the kitchen when someone knocked loudly on the front door. Dad sighed and his chair scratched against the floor as he stood up. "I'm just getting the door." He told me, I wiped my face in case I had any crumbs on it and set my toast down on the plate. It could just be Uncle Charlie, he said he was always forgetting things; he might have just needed to come back for something.

‘Bella.’ Called dad. Must be Edward. I continued eating and listened to the football game o the radio, or soccer as they call it here. ‘Can I get you anything?’ Dad asked. 

‘I'm fine, thank you.’ Not Edward, Carlisle. He must be checking up on Bella. That's kind of him, I didn't think doctors did house calls anymore. Though if he's her boyfriends “dad” then maybe he only does house calls for people he knows or cares about. 

‘Hey.’ I heard Bella's awkward voice say as a greeting outside the kitchen. 

‘How's your ankle?’ Carlisle asked. 

‘Not too bad. The bruising is somewhat darker though.’ She told him. I listened as dad brought them both into the kitchen, luckily I was sitting the furthest away and staring at what I figured to be my plate though I couldn't really tell. Maybe it was just the table. He must be having a look at her ankle. 

‘Want some more coffee, Y/N?’ Dad asked, I shook my head. I finished my toast and rubbed the crumbs off on my jeans much to Dad's frustrated sigh. What else am I supposed to rub them on? ‘I picked up a few new books this morning while you were dead to the world,’ Dad told me quietly, sitting next to me. I turned my head slightly in his direction, looking up and see his grey blob form. ‘I got The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen. Sounds like your kind of romantic... stuff.’ He muttered, I knew he was going to say “shit”. ‘Matched by Ally Condie and Pushing the Limits by Katie McGarry.’ He told me. Sound like good books to me though really you can never tell much by just the title. I'm sure they're good though, Dad has a gift for finding books I like. At the moment we're reading The Hunger Games. We've just gotten to the bit where Katniss has found Peter wounded in the rocks.

‘Sounds good to me though isn't it you who always said you should finish a book before buying more?’ I asked. 

‘Yeah well,’ Dad muttered. ‘I wanted... to apologise, I guess.’ For yesterday, I hung my head and used my nail to trace circles on the table. ‘I don't guess, I mean. I really do want to apologise. It's just very frustrating.’ He told me, we were still talking quietly while Bella and Carlisle exchanged small talk. I wasn't really focussing on them anymore. I wasn't sure what to say to Dad.  
‘You're...the most important person in my life, Y/N, and I hate that you feel the way you do about yourself. You're incredible, and I know you're not the way you want to be.’ He continued, ‘But that doesn't make you any less perfect.’ It made me feel all nice when he said such nice things about me but there was still the bitter realisation afterward. Dad would probably always feel this way about me but it didn't mean anyone else would, they wouldn't have the patience for me or be as helpful or kind. Boys my age rarely bother with me again after they find out I'm impaired. It's always going to be like that. ‘Come on, kiddo. I think we need some fresh air, ay?’ Dad asked gently. I had realised I'd started crying until I went to breathe in and sniffled instead. He took me by the hand and helped me get down the steps to the front of the house. We didn't speak as we walked and I wasn't sure where we were walking to but the morning fresh air made me feel less miserable.

‘Dad,’ I muttered, pulling on his hand to let me stop walking. He slowed and stopped, turning to me; I assumed from the sound of the gravel. ‘I'm sorry. I don't mean to make you unhappy.’

‘It's not like that, honey.’

‘But it is and I'm sorry,’ I replied. ‘I don't know how I'm supposed to live normally anymore. It's not like I can be independent like other girls my age and... I know it's stupid but I don't have much hope for myself.’

‘You're not dying, Y/N,’ Dad told me. ‘Things will get easier, I promise.’ He pulled me into a hug, I really hope he's right.  
We ended up walking back to the house after a good 20 minutes, I was put in the living room and dad put the news on for me. It was still interesting to listen to if nothing else. I didn't realise I wasn't alone until I heard rather forced footsteps behind me. I sat up and waited. ‘Sorry,’ Carlisle spoke, ‘I didn't mean to disturb you.’ He told me.

‘Not at all, doctor,’ I told him. I sat back comfortably and listened.

‘Please, Carlisle if you will. Do you mind if I join you?’ He asked, he sound so formal and polite. I still can't begin to imagine what he looks like, I don't think he's a brunette. Perhaps blonde? Or maybe he's a redhead like myself. 

‘I don't mind at all,’ I replied. He didn't sit next to me so I assumed there must be another chair in the living room.

‘Are you well?’ 

‘As well as I'll ever be,’ I replied, smiling to myself. I used to say this to the doctors every time I went for a checkup after my accident. I was never totally sure what they expected me to say, I felt fine despite being blind, tired and tired of being blind. ‘How are you today?’ I asked, to be polite. I also liked talking to new people, Bella hadn't said anything since yesterday despite being left alone with her this morning while my Dad was out. I hadn't minded much, we listened to some classical music while she hummed along.

‘I'm glad you are well.’ Carlisle told me, ‘I'm also rather well today.’ I didn't want to repeat his statement about being glad so I simply offered a smile to wherever he was, hoping he saw. ‘Bella tells me you like books.’ He prompted. 

‘Yeah. I definitely prefer to read them but it's still nice, Dad's rather good at telling stories.’ I told him, hoping this fed his curiosity. ‘Do you like books?’ 

‘Yes,’ he replied. ‘I have a study at home full of them, mostly old battered things though. What do you like to listen to?’ I shrugged in response. 

‘Anything really. I like love stories though usually they're just to pass time. I was really into Harry Potter before, Dad read the last book to me after. It wasn't really the same but I'm glad I finished it.’ I told him. ‘And yourself?’ 

‘I'm very boring,’ he confessed, I doubted that. ‘I mostly read fiction though I indulge in some classical tales sometimes. I'm very fond of Pride and Prejudice.’ He told me. I grinned a little.

‘I always found it too hard to read,’ I told him. ‘Maybe you could read it to me sometime,’ I added, I doubt he had any time to waste reading to me but he was being friendly and I would have said the same to Bella or Uncle Charlie.

‘I would take great pleasure in it, I assure you Y/N.’ He replied. I felt myself blushing at his words, I doubt there was anything but politeness underneath them but still; no guy had never said anything so nice to me before, except Dad but he doesn't count. ‘When you want to hear it, let Bella know. I'll make time to come back.’ He told me, the sound of him rising. ‘Until then, I wish you well.’ He then did something weird, he took my hand in his; he's bloody freezing, and before I had time to register what he'd done. He was bidding farewell to Bella behind me, did he just...kiss my hand?

**Author's Note:**

> I can't promise that I'll continue but I'd love to know if you'd like me to - I am rather fond of it again.


End file.
